The Cusp Of Epiphany

This week cut itself adrift from me and I lost control of it, it led me by the mind through hoops and slides and whirling experiences. All these things were all of my own making but they had a life of their own, they crowded in on my normally ordered existence and reminded me of my true nature.

You see…

Chaos follows around in my wake. Things I say and do cause upset to the continuum around me and the waves smash against the sides of my life and bounce back in ever more turbulent fashion.

This week has been painful for me. Some of the things in it brought back things from the past and threatened things for the future. Things that I thought I had left behind, things that perhaps should be part of the life of someone more able than I will ever be. But then again that’s my perception and it’s been wrong before and it’ll be wrong again.

What if I admitted to the possibility of some things, just for a brief moment. Like dipping my toes in the freezing cold water of Cornwall in April. Get used to it or it will grip you like a vice and the paralysis will be all you think of as you sink gracefully, motionlessly beneath the surface. What if I admitted to myself, not to you, just to me, that I enjoyed some of it. Some of the things I witnessed, some of the things that I said, some of the things that I caused, actually brought me joy. And if not joy then at least some satisfaction. And what if I allow the thought that some of the parts of my week that were not so good weren’t all that bad either.

What would happen?

I’ll do it now. <imagine a whirring as my brain churns the prospects> OK I’ve been there. It’s not comfortable. So what did I find? Well there’s some things that I can share and some that I can’t but here goes.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and found that some of my dreams are similar to the dreams of others and I’m not alone and they don’t think what I have in mind is stupid or arrogant or mad in any way shape or form. In fact it’s OK.

I stood up in front of people and spoke and they listened, they asked questions and showed real interest and that is something that I’m not used to.

I gave in to extreme anger. It surprised me that I knew how to do that still, it’s been so long since the animal got out to feed. That didn’t feel good, and part of me during the experience was willing the self selected victim on to escape, like when you watch the cheetah speeding after it’s prey on a documentary. I’ve calmed that down now and don’t want to see it again because it doesn’t feel good and it leaves a legacy of harm, to me as much as to others. But yes to others too.

I felt true confusion. It’s something that I recognise because it happens periodically. It’s self doubt on a big scale and it requires a period of introspection. What am I doing, who do I think I am, am I capable, am I worth it, am I wasting my time. These and more are all questions that I need to answer and only when I am happy that my course is the right one will I rest and resume my life with any drive. Life goes in to neutral and coasts down the slope towards the cliff as I “find myself”. And if I don’t do it quick enough then the cliff decides for me. But it didn’t come to that. It worked out OK. A few tweaks to my course and an adjustment of mindset that fitted with my general direction and I’m good to go.

Is it a bad thing to question yourself? Or is it what business people call “due diligence”, but performed at a life level.

So all in all I think I’m OK. I didn’t just survive, I think I grew a bit more in mental stature. I found a bit more of myself in a way that’s believable.

Do I believe in myself? For some things definitely yes. For other things maybe. There are of course still some no votes in there. I have so little proof in my head to support optimism in some areas.

Overall I think I’m moving forwards with occasional blips and right now that’s OK.

There’s something else here and that’s something that needs me to get a real grip before I mull it over seriously.

I’ve lived with the chaos for so long, existed sometimes, run away at other times.

Is it possible to embrace the chaos?

There’s the real terror. Embrace the terror of the chaos that follows me around. Get used to it and live with it, ride along with it and keep up with it and fight the fires and live the opportunities that it throws up without fear. Yes! without fear or doubt.

There is a fear that lurks around the periphery of the chaos that it will overrun me, that I won’t be able to keep it all together and that at some point I will stumble and it will engulf me like an avalanche.

If I decide to run with the chaos and choose to live with it then it’s a one way street and there is no getting off until that final bell. So there’s the question.

Run with it or forever hide from it?

And may I say that the perspective of the outsider is one that is too easy. That “go for it” mentality is so easy when you are deciding for someone else and you can’t see what is going on inside.

I think I need a moment or two on my mountain top.

Or to paraphrase in the style of Guy Martin “Whoah Nellie, not so fast, let’s see how the land lies!”

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